amateur

Joe recently started learning the cello. He says he likes the feeling of being really bad at something, of being a beginner.

I hate that feeling. I hate the word amateur. I despise the word potential. 

“You have so much potential”.

 I think people mean it as a compliment but I read it as, “you have so much further to go.” 

I know I have things to improve upon, I just would rather not let you know that I’m a beginner.

My dream is to come out of the gate already winning. This dream hasn’t made it into my reality.

I’m a slow starter, second guessing my every move. If there’s something new I want to try I’ll spend months dissecting the possibilities. I declare my failure before I’ve even begun. I project my current inability onto my future ability.

Last year I took a class to help with learning some software I needed to know for recording music. I was terrified that I would be alone in a room full of guys who were born with the knowledge I was chasing. 

Obviously this scenario wasn’t true. I wasn’t the only girl, and it turns out men don’t possess special ability due to their gender. It was freeing to put my muscles to the test and grow. I realized I was more capable than I’d previously imagined. 

So many times I’ve wanted to ask questions but haven’t because I didn’t want to embarrass myself. So instead of chasing the truth, I lived in my ignorance. 

 For the next season in my life I want to get comfortable with being bad at stuff. I want to embrace the fact that I don’t have the answers, and welcome the puzzle pieces that I find so overwhelming. Maybe one day I won’t be overwhelmed. Maybe one day I won’t raise my hand in question, but with an answer. Until then, I’m an amateur.

Posted on January 16, 2017 .